Brigitte, I really loved this. It’s such an honest and generous look at the difference between immature and mature love, and you write it with so much clarity and compassion. The way you describe the early fantasy of the Magical Other, and then gently walk the reader toward something truer and more grounded, is beautifully done. And as always, your eye for art and quotes is impeccable, they don’t just accompany your words, they feel woven into the thinking itself.
This is such meaningful feedback, Rachel. Yes, I think I tried to get to something that feels true and beautiful, grounding myself in it along the way. Reading and living as my sparring partners. Thank you friend 💗
This piece is so beautifully written and I find it so easy to see where I’ve been in this journey, where I am and possibly (likely) where I’m headed. The dance is part of the fun!
You rightly pin the problem on egocentric assumptions that another person can fill our internal gaps, a claim grounded in poetic observation, and in developmental and existential psychology.
What you call the “Magical Other” functions as a pseudo-self anchor, a construct we cling to in order to avoid the discomfort of self-definition. In genuine relational maturity, the partner becomes a mirror for individuation. This reframes the journey you describe as the integrative work of self-differentiation within attachment.
That perspective helps explain why rupture often feels so devastating… it is loss of ideal, loss of a stabilising illusion we’ve organized our interior life around.
Thank you sincerely for quoting me in your amazing essay, it’s an honour, Brigitte!
Brigitte, thank you so much for posting this. So often the magical other gets in the way of the real other and keeps us from fully and intimately loving each other. i have often told our children that being married is not a hollywood movie! It's sustained work in which you both must love yourself, know yourself and step out to allow the other to do the same. This can be done together, if you are willing. As you say "The fantastical dance is over, replaced by what is so much more satisfyingly real and liberating. We find what our soul has wanted us to see all along, namely our own emotional blockages, blind spots, wounds, and limitations. This is the dance of our lifetime. Realizing our own wholeness and unlived potential, in loving exchange and in relation with another." Fantasy is over and reality is so much more satisfying!
It IS sustained work, and I know now (after having closed my eyes to this fact often enough) how I need to be part of this work just as much as the other, and to learn to take responsibility for the pain and joy of the dance with myself. Thank you for your reflection, Dana, and for being an inspiration to your own children.
Beautiful take, Brigette. Well written and thought/emotion provoking. I’d love to see this as a writing assignment for someone to do once a decade, starting in their twenties, so writers could see how their idea of a magical other evolves over time.
I like this idea, Matt. My own observations keep evolving, too. I was about twenty when I first read Fromm’s "The Art of Loving", and I remember feeling both dazzled and doubtful about how maturely he talked about love. Were we talking about the same thing haha? It also dawned on me that reading cannot be the substitute for the actual dance and lived experience after all (although it may help)…
Reading isn’t a substitute. I do feel like it can supplement lessons we struggle with in a way that we gain perspective and ultimately learn them less painfully (I hope).
The dance though, yeah, you gotta get out there and do it. Doubt there’s a soul in this world who learned how to dance from reading a book.
Brigitte, with the deft touch of a painter, you eloquently point out how, when entering into a mature relationship with another, most (all?) of us should consider an amicable divorce agreement with our egos. It's obviously far, far more nuanced than that, and you handle this from a fascinating variety of angles. Well done!
What a profound and engaging essay Brigitte! I love the metaphor of the dance in its various stages and oh, how I related to it with my own very human experience. I copied out so many wise & beautiful passages to contemplate further. Among them: “there is a fundamental truth so hard to bear: romance can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves.” Yes! And that is why, divorced after 33 years, when the ‘disillusionment was complete,” I decided I would forevermore be married to myself first, regardless of whether new romance or relationship is in my future. This has been my own mature realization too: “The very thing we wanted to find in the Other for fulfillment can only be found in ourselves.” That can be a hard truth to knock up against. No longer is the Other to be blamed for any remaining disillusion. It is now up
To me to claim my life. To decide how so want to live & love. Thank you for giving us such a wise take on partnered love.
Brigitte, I really loved this. It’s such an honest and generous look at the difference between immature and mature love, and you write it with so much clarity and compassion. The way you describe the early fantasy of the Magical Other, and then gently walk the reader toward something truer and more grounded, is beautifully done. And as always, your eye for art and quotes is impeccable, they don’t just accompany your words, they feel woven into the thinking itself.
This is such meaningful feedback, Rachel. Yes, I think I tried to get to something that feels true and beautiful, grounding myself in it along the way. Reading and living as my sparring partners. Thank you friend 💗
This feels like the real interior hero's journey in 5 acts, and a hopeful ending!
I like this take, Chao. Yes!!!
What an interesting perspective Chao. Now that you frame it this way I see that too.
This piece is so beautifully written and I find it so easy to see where I’ve been in this journey, where I am and possibly (likely) where I’m headed. The dance is part of the fun!
Thank you Michelle! You’re right, the dance can be painful AND so much fun; all part part of this multilayered craft of life and love ✨
You rightly pin the problem on egocentric assumptions that another person can fill our internal gaps, a claim grounded in poetic observation, and in developmental and existential psychology.
What you call the “Magical Other” functions as a pseudo-self anchor, a construct we cling to in order to avoid the discomfort of self-definition. In genuine relational maturity, the partner becomes a mirror for individuation. This reframes the journey you describe as the integrative work of self-differentiation within attachment.
That perspective helps explain why rupture often feels so devastating… it is loss of ideal, loss of a stabilising illusion we’ve organized our interior life around.
Thank you sincerely for quoting me in your amazing essay, it’s an honour, Brigitte!
A comment so insightful, Tamara. "…self-differentiation within attachment" and “loss of a stabilizing illusion." Yes.👌🏼
Thank you very much.
Brigitte, thank you so much for posting this. So often the magical other gets in the way of the real other and keeps us from fully and intimately loving each other. i have often told our children that being married is not a hollywood movie! It's sustained work in which you both must love yourself, know yourself and step out to allow the other to do the same. This can be done together, if you are willing. As you say "The fantastical dance is over, replaced by what is so much more satisfyingly real and liberating. We find what our soul has wanted us to see all along, namely our own emotional blockages, blind spots, wounds, and limitations. This is the dance of our lifetime. Realizing our own wholeness and unlived potential, in loving exchange and in relation with another." Fantasy is over and reality is so much more satisfying!
It IS sustained work, and I know now (after having closed my eyes to this fact often enough) how I need to be part of this work just as much as the other, and to learn to take responsibility for the pain and joy of the dance with myself. Thank you for your reflection, Dana, and for being an inspiration to your own children.
Beautiful take, Brigette. Well written and thought/emotion provoking. I’d love to see this as a writing assignment for someone to do once a decade, starting in their twenties, so writers could see how their idea of a magical other evolves over time.
I like this idea, Matt. My own observations keep evolving, too. I was about twenty when I first read Fromm’s "The Art of Loving", and I remember feeling both dazzled and doubtful about how maturely he talked about love. Were we talking about the same thing haha? It also dawned on me that reading cannot be the substitute for the actual dance and lived experience after all (although it may help)…
Reading isn’t a substitute. I do feel like it can supplement lessons we struggle with in a way that we gain perspective and ultimately learn them less painfully (I hope).
The dance though, yeah, you gotta get out there and do it. Doubt there’s a soul in this world who learned how to dance from reading a book.
Brigitte, with the deft touch of a painter, you eloquently point out how, when entering into a mature relationship with another, most (all?) of us should consider an amicable divorce agreement with our egos. It's obviously far, far more nuanced than that, and you handle this from a fascinating variety of angles. Well done!
Larry, I thank you, also for all your input and support along the way!
Yes indeed, we have to do the work.
I couldn’t overcome the hurdle of adding more of the personal..beyond what I was feeling and trying to express in the more universal;)
Perhaps it needs a separate essay . . . : )
Yes. All in due time I feel.
In the meantime as you work your way in that direction your writing is gorgeous, clear, and inspiring.
Beautiful essay. I love the mirror theme. Thank you.
What a profound and engaging essay Brigitte! I love the metaphor of the dance in its various stages and oh, how I related to it with my own very human experience. I copied out so many wise & beautiful passages to contemplate further. Among them: “there is a fundamental truth so hard to bear: romance can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves.” Yes! And that is why, divorced after 33 years, when the ‘disillusionment was complete,” I decided I would forevermore be married to myself first, regardless of whether new romance or relationship is in my future. This has been my own mature realization too: “The very thing we wanted to find in the Other for fulfillment can only be found in ourselves.” That can be a hard truth to knock up against. No longer is the Other to be blamed for any remaining disillusion. It is now up
To me to claim my life. To decide how so want to live & love. Thank you for giving us such a wise take on partnered love.